why the insanity?

For the past 4 years John and I have lived in Fuquay Varina NC just outside of Raleigh. This is where we bought our first home, got our first dog together and had our first child. We loved our church and immediately met friends that loved and served the Lord. I finished my masters degree and was working some might call the perfect job 20 hrs per week. We learned in June that we were expecting our second child and were elated. So one might ask why move? Not just move but move pregnant, try to sell your house in this terrible economy, quit both of your somewhat ideal jobs, leave your close friends and church, and go to Florida……(I know lots of people love Florida but you have to remember I am a mountain girl and probably one of the fairest skin girls you will ever meet. Needless to say Florida doesn’t have mountains and I have to wear sunscreen year around now ☺) So why the insanity?

Let me first give you a little background. In 2009 John and I got married and moved into our first home together. I was in full time school getting my master’s degree. John was working full time with (we will call) company A. They are a large general contractor. He had been with the company for 4 years and really enjoyed the line of work and jobs he was on. They took very good care of us but he was expected to sometimes work long hours depending on the job. While he loved the work he began to realize that having a family (and somewhat demanding wife) those work hours were not ideal. I became pregnant in 2010. I was due 2 weeks after I graduated from graduate school. Talk about timing. In October 2010 we got a call from company A stating that we were being transferred to Washington DC. Now remember I am 5 months pregnant, we own a house, and I still have 6 more months of my NP residency in Raleigh. We were sad and tried many times to get out of it but ultimately realized we would have to make the move because there were no other options. We decided to keep our house in NC and rent an apartment in DC. After only being in DC for 3 weeks we got a call from a Raleigh based company (company B) who was looking to hire John. We were shocked, but why? We had prayed God would bring us back to Raleigh. We knew that God had plans for us in Raleigh. We should trust in Him and we should to get back as soon as possible.

We knew this was an answer to prayers and we settled back into our Raleigh home with John now working for company B. Our son was born shortly after and I stayed home for the first 7 months until finding a perfect part time job as a Nurse Practitioner at a family practice, oh by the way, 5 minutes from our house. We thought this was it. We were going to live in NC for the rest of our carriers and raise our children here. We would raise our children in the same house all through their childhood, just like our parents had. We would give them stability through a house, school and friends. Isn’t that what every child needs?

After a year of being with company B in Raleigh, John began feeling a stirring in his heart. He was now leading a small group bible study through our church and growing closer to the Lord. Many of his emotions and feelings I can’t describe and to be honest I still don’t fully understand but I knew something was not right. He spent lots of time in prayer, talking to friends from church and even seeking out biblical counsel from church leaders. He thought his unsettlement with life/work was from his own feelings of selfishness. He read lots of books, and we spent many late nights talking it out. He kept having feelings of wanting to go back to company A but couldn’t justify why. He knew going back would mean a worse work/life balance, moving frequently and a grumpy wife who loved company B. As he continued to work through his emotions trying to dismiss or justify them, I started realizing maybe I should do a little soul searching myself.

Around this time we started a series at church called Castaway. The study of Jonah. The depth of my study in Jonah previously had involved card board cut outs of a whale and each of us (5 year olds) jumping inside the mouth of the whale. This study allowed me to take a more serious look into the story. (While not going through the entire study I encourage you to read Jonah. It is only 4 chapters long.)

I began to find our life in NC a parallel to Jonah’s story. Jonah had a great deal of bitterness toward the people and place’s God wanted him to go and preach to. I wanted to be in NC, come hell or high water I was not going to DC, Arizona or Florida just because his job said we should. All other parts of Jonah’s life were pretty perfect and ideal. Besides my husband’s constant call to move back to company A, our life was pretty ideal in NC. So why did God bring us back to NC from DC after praying? Jonah 3:1- God always brings us back to the place where we first said no. As with Jonah, there will always be a ship ready to run the other way. The devil always makes things look pleasing. So why does God send storms? (or in our case my husbands inability to fully be satisfied in company B for no explainable reason) “God sends storms to break up our self reliance”- JD Greer. In Jonah chapter 4 he is still trying to justify leaving/disobeying God’s plan. “a spirit of unforgiveness and lack of generosity is an indication you are out of touch with the grace of God in your own life”- JD Greer. As John continued to struggle with his work dissatisfaction, I was resentful and at times angry that he would want to go back to company A and uproot his family. But maybe my lack of generosity and submission not only to my husband but ultimately to God was preventing us from fully living out and resting in God’s plan for our life.

I hate to think that my husband had to go through all this insanity just so God could break ME. After my own soul searching, I have learned my idolatry (stability for my family through a house, and having our closest friends near by) is self-reliance when the security I need can only come through Christ.

We are back with company A, living in Florida and I must say, though I do miss NC, God’s plan is much greater than I could have ever imagined.

If you got this far-
*I am blogging now because many of my friends have asked me questions that I can’t fully explain over the telephone with a toddler screaming in the background. I plan on attempting to answer many of the questions friends have asked me. Some of topics/questions for the next few months will include:

* Submission- why does God call us to submit to our husbands and how do you submit with such a strong personality (yes I have a very strong personality☺)

*Working vs staying home- do you feel like your master’s degree was a waste?

*Spanking vs time out, how do you discipline when you yourself have a temper?

*What you need vs what you want.

*Bad Mind- allowing our thoughts to control us.

I definitely don’t claim to be any kind of expert, in fact 90% of what I have learned have been through other friends and much wiser women than myself. Looking forward to having a cup of coffee with you over my blog twice a month, and if not… it’s at least a little bit of self therapy.