It is one of those things that only a mom can truly understand. It is a feeling that the devil must have invented! It can range from a feeling I get when I use the TV as a baby sitter (while I just jump in the shower…..really quick ) to a feeling of pure terror when there is a close call that I know could have been avoided. It’s good for you to know I am not a person who makes excuses for my shortcomings but being a mother often turns those shortcomings into major feelings of fault and guilt!
It was a normal Thursday afternoon around 4pm. I had just finished giving our 3 month old daughter, Nora, a bath in the kitchen sink (puj tub) and Everett, our 2 year old, was awake from his nap. I put Nora in the bouncer on the counter top (which I did often) to keep her away from the 90lb lab and the 23lb toddler either of which I fear will smother her before I turn my back. I strapped her in and ran to the other room to grab the laundry basket. I was walking back out of the bedroom toward the kitchen when I heard the dreaded sound. Wham! Sheer horror and fear swept over me. I found her face down on the tile floor still, strapped into the bouncer, blood visible from beneath. I flipped the bouncer as she wailed from the fall. As I clutched her in my arms and dialed 911 the mother’s guilt set in. I tearfully screamed my address to the 911 operator and kept saying over and over “I am so stupid, I know better than that, I should have never walked away, she should have never been on the counter, I’m a terrible mother.”
Since, Nora is doing wonderful! Given the circumstances it is truly a miracle. After the ER cleared her, John and I brought her home and had a long night of little to no sleep. I took her to the doctor the next morning and he couldn't even find the bruise on her chin or the cut inside her mouth where they said the blood had come from. His exact words were "I know you say she fell but I can find no evidence of ANYTHING wrong with her. She must have been surrounded by angels because these types of falls typically end much worse."
Nora is fine, but I on the other hand am still struggling with the memory of finding her face down on the floor in her own blood. My emotions range from guilt, sadness, joy, thankfulness, to pure disbelief. While I was attempting to wash the burp cloth I thought I might have to throw it away because of the stains from the blood. However, after a few minutes the entire cloth was washed clean and there was no evidence of blood! I was reminded in that moment that Christ blood washed my sins clean and I no longer have to live with the guilt and pain but must live in awe of His mercy and grace!
It has taken me about a month to get the courage to tell you this story because of the shame and guilt I have carried with me since that terrible day. Many of you reading this are probably shocked that I have kept this a secret. That was not my intention. It was just too painful to talk about. Even now I don’t tell you this story to be comforted and honestly wasn’t planning on telling this story at all. I wanted it to be distant nightmare, and never talk about it again. It wasn’t until talking with a friend I realized that this feeling of guilt is so common for mothers and it can eat us alive if left unchecked. It is like a stabbing knife into the depths of your soul. Not being good enough or undeserving of our blessings is exactly what the devil wants you to believe about yourself. You can only be freed when you truly understand that God loves you and your children more that you could ever love them yourself. You are forgiven by Christ so PLEASE forgive yourself!
Romans 8:1- "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
